I thought I did not have much to say today because like everyday since August, I have been printing out PowerPoints, writing notes, and deciding on what homework to finish first. Its been a regular sort of existence since the fall semester started. The only other new part of my life has been my seasonal job at Party City. I just started and already I am expecting to utterly fall on my face. The day of my first shift, I was not only terrified but I had no clue where anything was or if it even existed.

"Mustaches?"
"To your left on the back wall." (Or so I think).

The road has been unexciting. I mean, I have tried to muster up every inch of courage to push myself forward. Accomplish some freaking goal but to no avail, I am just worn out and pack it all in. School is forcing its way into my life but I am pushing it back out by ignoring and delaying my debts.

I can't really complain about much because not much has been going on. I did go to Universal the other weekend and right before I did, I had sinus issues. THAT was a miserable time for me since the only thing I hate about being sick, is not being able to breathe! My nose was the only thing that bothered me. Damn sinus. So anyway...

Universal was so much fun! I was really selfish this trip up to Orlando because I had been waiting to go since the beginning of the year. I already planned on hitting up the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and was to excited to let anyone else's wishes come before my own. Eventually once we got there we spent the entire day walking around the shops famous from the books and movies. We enjoyed a hearty meal outside of the 3 broomsticks and my family discovered how boring long lines would be. I however noted the secrets to joining shorter lines and getting into places that I truly enjoyed. All in all, I wanted a robe and got one.

My friend after wards asked me what my favorite part of the Wizarding World was...and I truly came up with "the atmosphere". I could spend hours there if I wanted to and I did. Of course, I really did leave Zonko's unaccomplished on purpose (for my next visit). I just felt so relaxed. If it was bigger...I'd be happier. I heard from someone that it would extend and that just melts my heart. I'm not as big of a fan as many people are but something about pretending and being something or somewhere else for a while just makes me happy.

I think the most that could happen in my life now is a little Halloween excitement. If anyone knows me...and I mean really knows me, Halloween is my absolute favorite time of the year. Like I said before, the idea of dressing up, being someone or something else for a while just appeals to me. Perhaps it is because I am creative or more of a science fiction kind of person. My mother as well as my father and sister are always making fun of me because I imagine scenes from an ongoing story that I daydream about. I sometimes will spend hours locked away quoting lines and redoing moments from the previous night's dreams because I have found little instances where I am unhappy with myself for saying or seeing it played out that way. So far the story has been very complicated and trying on the main character. I'm just to lazy to write it all down. Well, that and because I feel like I can't put what I have thought of into words to convey my imagination properly. I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

Perhaps if I was to go back and start to write it all down from the beginning, I might actually show people how special I am. I have been feeling really stupid as of late. Like I don't know enough compared to the people around me. I'm just ignorant. I hate feeling that way. Its one of the most ill feelings that I deal with. I do get depressed from it because in those moments I wish I knew more...but it just strikes without warning. There isn't much that I can do about it except dedicate my life to knowledge. I'd rather stick to my "crazy" moments of talking to myself.

Speaking of which. I think I really want to try out a new element to my life. I've realized that I struggle with what most people call the "romantic" part of my life recently. I have had failed at attempts in the past but I don't all want the blame to be put on myself. I think it was a strange group effort. I would like to try being in some sort of relationship. I want to be ce committed to someone without being annoyed by it. Somebody to hug would be nice! Lol. No, no...All jokes aside, lets see what happens.

Anyone know anyone else?

*Sigh* back to homework. FREAKING monotony.

I am writing in livejournal because I haven't for a while. Its been such a long time but I've been quite busy with both school and my life that I've just ignored most requests to be bored.

Recently I have discovered a strange habit of mine. I guess this habit has been around since middle school years or maybe even from younger times but I am just now starting to see how much it has progressed.

When I am bored or left alone to think for once I tend to talk to myself.

I have these strange moments when I am sitting alone in my room just imagining characters from stories I have created or have read about talking to me. Holding ACTUAL conversations with me. Clearly I am not fully aware of this at times because I have been embarrased by my family members before, telling me that I am whispering again.

RECENTLY...woah computer, I didn't need caps lock. Anyway, recently I have even locked myself in the bathroom (the only quiet place in the house) and have held conversations or have pictured scene after scene of story lines. I am frequently trying to block out the world around me. Lol, I'm not sure if that really means anything...

So, I have found a new friend in a dude named Andrew (wow that sounded wrong). Joey has told him about our adventures in Gamestop and he has found his way out there with us to spend money we all don't have. The 3 of us share an interest in videogames and that is a great way to get us going. Since there are so many different games as well as types, its easy to hold an hour long conversation with us.

Andrew is funny too. He finds humor in my inability to play Call of Duty and my fear of clowns. Joey just finds humor in my inability to walk properly and not injure myself. Although I must say, hanging out with me has made Joey in particular an older person. Age comes with great warning when entering the Britt zone. In a way I feel bad for Andrew because he could be next.

I also got back in the swing of talking to Brittany (leafy). I am not sure if she is annoyed with me yet but eventually all people do succumb. Hehe.

As a group (and I think without warning Brittany ahead of time....my bad Britt) we ventured to Steak and Shake where we talked all through dinner. It was the most fun I'd had in a while...not counting the Final Fantasy 13 release at midnight. We are totally making plans to go out again.

ARGH, my computer is dying...oh well. I guess I am going to have to write more about this tomorrow.

I will end the journal entry here.

So interestingly enough I have found out that today is sunday. Did anyone else notice that? I mean here I am working on my final homework of the week and I finally finish it thinking that I had some time to relax. All of a sudden, BANG, monday is here. Week 4 of school has already started without me.

Things have happened this weekend that I am both happy and excited about. I am sure that once all of you read this you will be just as thrilled as I am about my mediocre accomplishments.

1. I finished my homework this morning after diligently working through nights and afternoons. Sure, I didn't spend all my time doing homework but then I wouldn't have anytime for myself if I didn't stop for an hour break or so during lunch and dinner time.

2. I successful cleaned my guinea pig's cage on thursday without any nagging of Allison to get it started. I just stated "Let's clean Pip" and it was done. He smells great and looks amazing because we gave him a bath. I think he can hear more clearly now because we cleaned out his ears (with a lot of squirming on his part). Oh and he tried out is leash for the second time in a row and he pretty much ran in circles until he was free again. It was funny but I couldn't tape it since he moved so quickly. Poor little Pip and his frequent chest pains caused by his owners.

3. Zack and Brandon came over on friday and we BEAT and NAILED two of my many video games in less than 2 hours. I was so proud of us and actually happy that I FINALLY picked up the dedication to finish The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and Drake's Fortune. Congrats to me as I will probably never finish another game again. Yay.

4. On saturday, my family was graced with the presence of my Uncle John, Aunty Jan, and Uncle Jim for dinner. It wasn't planned but it was both fun and momentous because we ate dinner together at a table and watched two movies without anyone falling asleep. I was comfortable all wrapped in my new blanket and I gazed at my family more than the movies. I was just so glad to see everyone there. Uncle Jim looked good with his weight loss. Aunty Jan was slimming down quite nicely and even Uncle John was doing great. He actually wanted to only have salad. I am quite happy that everyone is working towards better health.

5. Speaking of working towards better health, I started a new exercise program this week. My family has this new goal to work towards in getting a new healthier outlook on life and everyone has already started doing great but to tell you the truth, I had an opposite effect. I cannot tell you what it was but there was a feeling in the pit of my soul that made me not want to join in this escapade. When Aunty Jan started working out she would say "I realized its only one hour of the day and its not that big of a deal." I would somehow put it in my mind that I didn't care. For 3 weeks I sat around eating and giving up on being physically active. I just ate what was there and I had candy everyday. Then my mother came to me and told me about a workout she wanted me to try. I had mixed feelings at first because I do have low self esteem. I seriously imagine people saying "Wow Britt you look great!" after I have worked off all the weight and feeling horrible about it because they honestly just proved that I was disgusting to look at before. With a strange confidence, I went out and bought the program and set myself up that night (this was around 12pm). Every night following that one I got up and practically at 11pm would work towards finishing the day's workout. I love the feeling I get after showering and sitting on my bed, exhausted. I haven't had that feeling in a long time and my body was missing it because I couldn't get to sleep at night. I would just sit there, awake.

6. I have also started to eat and drink less. Over the years I haven't been able to figure out when I am hungry from when I am just stuffing food in my mouth because it tastes or smells good. I still haven't grasped the idea yet but I know I am getting better at it because I seemed to get more annoyed now when my mother asks me "What do you want to eat?" for the 5th time in an hour. Usually I would have to think about it because I don't have a particular craving, now I am hungry or at least I think so and I will say anything to get a response from her. My stomach growls now. Yay! yay? Lol. I don't drink Pepsi as often. I get one can a day, I would say, because every now and then I get this sugar craving so I like to figure out a meal (breakfast, lunch, or dinner) which I will satisfy my pepsi craving with. This funny to watch me stand at the fridge saying "should it be a lunch pepsi or a dinner one?" This is coming from "Yeah I know its breakfast and I can have what I want too."

All in all I want to say that these 6 things have made my weekend so worth the trouble of all of my homework. Although I am not looking forward to next week (because of my newly piled on homework) I have my little ways of making the days better. I can workout now and feel great afterward, I can relax in the quiet of my house because Allison has school in the mornings and afternoons, I can sleep until noon in order to catch up for the next day of night school, and I have my loving family to share my day's troubles with.

I am just thankful for everything I have because I know how lucky I am to have it.

Today was a weird day.

Many things occured today that I have no understanding of how they happened. First of all the day started out with this awful cough that I thought I got rid of days ago. Apparently it was just hiding in secret. Another strange occurance was that all of the technological aspects of our day were going wacky. The car (mom's car) had multiple problems with blinking dvd players in the back seats and a twiching back wiper. Allison was so scared she put her seat as far back as she could go just in case something caught fire. Dad told me that his XBOX360 magically turned itself off after he tried to go on Netflix using the internet. He just stopped using it for the day. Mom's phone decided not to be on the 3G network today and constantly dropped calls, missed text messages, as well as sticking itself to the E network. My phone seemed to have problems as well. I kept getting disconnected. Maybe its because it needs some love! Lol.

The final problem for the day was our dear friend and household companion Pip the Guinea Pig coming down with a strange new symptom. Pip walks with his head tilted to the side which indicated to me that another thing was wrong with Allison's pet. I decided to tell my family, hoping that this time, I would be heard. I was heard and tomorrow or I mean today, we are taking him to the Petsmart Banfield Vet Hospital. I hope they can fix Pip. I'd miss him too much. However, I do not want to go to the Vet Hospital at the same time. Something in me really doesn't want to go. I think it might be the idea of costing mom and dad money (probably TONS) but mostly its because I have had a traumatic experience with a vet before. R.I.P. Lady.

Time to change the topic. I want to feel better. I don't like getting colds or flus or whatever. They make me feel lazy, weak, and most of the time upset because I can't get comfortable. I should have gone to the doctor when my mother told me too. Its really my fault I am still sick too because I don't spit out or blow my nose often enough to get mucus out of my system. I think its gross. So I just let it linger. STUPID.

Its the first weekend of the Spring 10' school year and I have homework. I am scared of my ethics class the most. It seems like the most amount of work with keeping up with the reading and homework questions. I guess she really likes to keep busy with all that grading. My epidemiology teacher seems okay but I noticed that his class will be alot of work as well. Social math should be my eaiest class. Right now we are defining terms during classtime and I am pretty sure that I know what a MINORITY rule is. Applied Statistics I am not so sure about. I mean its just the first week and he assigned review work. That is understandable but when that review work is 78 pages long! That is INSANE. I already feel that I need a break. Its a good thing that Martin Luther King Jr. had a birthday so close to the beginning of the year. YAY for you. Monday off not this week but the next. Oh Happy Day!

Today is the 3rd day of the new year and I haven't even got time to gloat about how school is so far away because its actually tomorrow. This sucks. Since when is school so quick to come around? Don't we usually get break time or at least a pause for a sigh? *sigh* I guess that's it huh. So what I haven't done in a while it write on LiveJournal or update anything Myspacey. I decided to do that this week. My myspace page is awesomely all naturey and this live journal is being updated as we speak. I have so much to talk about in such a little time, so I guess I will talk quickly.

I have been told by people who I suspect want to enjoy my company more, that I talk too much. My stories are long and drawn out. I guess I just talk like how I love to read my books...nice and slow. Anyway, I am trying to cut back on my stories. So I have. That's the end of that one. Nice huh?

I got a new bookbag yesterday. I had to get one because mine broke after many years of usage. So I got a pink jansport with a canvas brown bottom. Its nice. I likey. The End.

Zack had a project to do in which we had to take pictures of various shapes (geometry) in nature. For instance, a circle with a diameter (tomato). It was hard and we worked on it for three days, printing, capturing, and saving. Good Luck to him with turning it in. The End.

I bought all the updates for LittleBigPLanet (well at least the packs with levels on them). The End.

Today I hope to have many fond memories before the Spring 2010 school year starts. I hope that I do great in all of my classes and triumph royally. The End.

Uh, what else...Oh I am currently updating my iPod to house all the new music we (ali and everyone else) got over the Winter Break. I hope that my iPod can hold a movie or 2. The End.

Today is Tiffany's Birthday. I hope her day goes well. The End.

Have a great New Year everyone and I hope it is infinitely better than the last. Yay 2010!

Write.

Writing: –verb (used with object) 1. to trace or form (characters, letters, words, etc.) on the surface of some material, as with a pen, pencil, or other instrument or means; inscribe: Write your name on the board.
2. to express or communicate in writing; give a written account of.
3. to fill in the blank spaces of (a printed form) with writing: to write a check.
4. to execute or produce by setting down words, figures, etc.: to write two copies of a letter.
5. to compose and produce in words or characters duly set down: to write a letter to a friend.
6. to produce as author or composer: to write a sonnet; to write a symphony.
7. to trace significant characters on, or mark or cover with writing.
8. to cause to be apparent or unmistakable: Honesty is written on his face.
9. Computers. to transfer (information, data, programs, etc.) from storage to secondary storage or an output medium.
10. Stock Exchange. to sell (options).
11. to underwrite.

–verb (used without object) 12. to trace or form characters, words, etc., with a pen, pencil, or other instrument or means, or as a pen or the like does: He writes with a pen.
13. to write as a profession or occupation: She writes for the Daily Inquirer.
14. to express ideas in writing.
15. to write a letter or letters, or communicate by letter: Write if you get work.
16. to compose or work as a writer or author.
17. Computers. to write into a secondary storage device or output medium.

He wrapped his itchy sweater around her shoulders and she immediately pushed it off.
“Oh,” he stared blankly at it on the ground, “I forgot you hated it. It’s just that I wanted to…”
“I know what you wanted,” her voice drifted like the breeze that passed her stomach.
“Oh,” he repeated. He didn’t know how much he’d slipped from reality itself. Everything was just happening suddenly. Now he just moped around trying to build back the confidence he’d lost and trying to build back his wife. The new pastimes he enjoys are looking at his feet while he walks and laying his hands crisscrossed in his lap while he sits. People just tend to pass him by as he breathes.
“You think that I need comfort. You think that by my crying everyday I am making myself more and more miserable. Well, its not grief, its tears of my selfishness. That’s right, I’m being selfish and I don’t care who knows it.” Little did her husband know that she’d already given up hope of trying again. Lady wanted to act snobbish. Her guard had been broken and all the chains unlocked. All she found was her husband falling to pieces, her family trying to lend support to something they didn’t approve of, and an arrogant nurse telling her that they can always try again. No, she didn’t want to try again. All her efforts were exhausted on the first time. She put her hand on the earth and instantly her senses recognized rock and stone distinguished from each other. She rubbed her hand back and forth, back and forth until it bled. She stood up and squeezed her hand tightly just within the reach of pure exhaustion. When she released she sent drops cascading to the ground on which the both of them stood.

He put his jacket back on and grabbed her shoulders. He held himself there in pause forever. His teeth grinding down to the cavities he created making his wife happy; All of them worthless now. He used to laugh on these shoulders. Now he silently waits for a response. She yells. She yells, she yells, she yells. He falls backwards and sits with her now in embrace. He rocks back and forth and back and forth. Numb to her screaming he then asks “Just tell me how…how to fix it.”

She says “We can’t.”

He says “I can.”

She says “NO, no…not this.”

He says “Let me try. I know I can if I just try.”

And she says “It’s over. We’ve tried enough, I’m tired. Please…I’m tired.”

He lets her go and she gets up. He is pulled up by her and they walk inside together quietly. She rests in the comfort of his cold lifeless arms. He stands looking down with her under him. He gathers his strength opening the front door and letting her in. She goes and pours a glass of grape juice. As she holds the bottom of the cup and she asks him “Do you want some?”

He closes the door and puts down the keys. They make a clang as their bodies touch the table and each other. For an instant all the rage bottles up inside his arm and flings itself at the noise. The keys go flying into the vase they got for the wedding last March. He grips the table lamp tightly and slams it in the mirror. Sparks chip away in the dust and electrify air. He kicks the table upwards into the air and releases the husk of lamp from his fingertips. His rage allows for adrenaline to drip from his muscles. The legs of the table snap as they crashes to the floor awkwardly. He beats down on the nail holding the wooden mirror afloat. The nail loses its battle and slips outward onto the floor. The heavy mirror sweats glass until its final resting place silences it. His boots crack the bulb when he crosses the floor and his hands wring the flowers in the half vase naked with no colors but green. He chews them in his mouth and cries. Kneeling in front of the staircase he collapses.

She drinks her juice.





What do you think?

Wednesday July 1st. Captain's log. Subject: Protecting Humanity.

This yellow hatred that has spread across the land is planning on consuming us all. We stand firm watching the distance for the mist which will take over. I already feel the threatening presence of anger. My grip on the situation is nearly strong enough to control what little companions I have left. In this dark hour hope is needed. Nothing else can save us now. Not trust, honesty, and brotherhood. Our lives hang in the balance of what is to come. A grave danger is lurking around each corner of these last few semi-stable facilities. I wish I could go back in time and alter my mistakes. Making myself feel stronger and much more prepared for the horrors ahead...However, as my second in command always states "there is no point in wishing differently of what is to be. What is, is just that." How I wish he was here now. Sadly we lost him to the war he fought within himself. Damn scientists and their experiments. Whoever said we wanted to alter our perfectly normal lives? People die! That's just a part of evolution and life itself. Sacrifice should not be required of some. If there is nothing to fight, sacrifice is not necessary. I need to stop wishing, dreaming, and hoping something will change and do it myself. What other meaning of life is there? Take apart what is holding you back by yourself. Rip it 'til its flesh no longer exists. Just the dust you will leave in your wake shall be left. Only days are left of our lives. Days. I cannot imagine a worser fate. Our humanity will be wiped from us and our primitive nature restored. Dog eat Dog. To those who are listening, I commend you, do not regret living life. Regret not having enough time to destroy all forms of evil. As I have learned though, humanity will never live in peace.

Today is monday and its quite a quiet one at that. I start my accounting class today, even though the first class was last wednesday, and I am so scared of what is coming for me. Tomorrow I am taking the CLAST exam at Biscayne Bay which I am also scared for. So as I have stated on my facebook, I gave blood yesterday. It was a great experience just because it is one that I believed would never happen in my lifetime. Apparently I was wrong. My father was actually the one who wanted to donate blood to the blood bank and I was just going with him to watch. However, I clearly decided to join in on the fun. Yay! I was so nervous that everyone kept looking at me as if I was clear as ice. No color ran through me as I thought of how painful the needle was going to be. Although when it came to being my turn in the wonderfully plush chair I felt an overwhelming burst of relief. Which didn't last long when the needle was pushed in. I'm not going to lie. It hurt. However after that push, it was like a strange numbness came over me. I watched the bag fill with blood, plenty of blood. I thought back to those times when I walked by the screaming individuals asking for blood. How I always gave an excuse. "No, I can't...busy," "No, I am squeamish," "No, not today," then just "No". I even went as far as thinking of saying "I've got Cancer or AIDs". How unfair would that be to people who truly do have those horrible viruses. So i asked my father why he wanted to do this. He just planning said "No reason." There was always a reason for me not too. Yet there is no reason for him to do that? As the lady in church always says "you could be saving 4 babies." Listen, I care for babies because they are cute. However I did it to have the experience. I never really thought of helping to save others. When I got my bandage, a great red color, I thought of it as a bandage of courage. At least on my part. The rest of the day I wore it in pride. When I took it off and refreshed my wound, I paused and thought...that was all it took? Somebody will live because of that? For me to sit in a comfy chair, stare out into the distance and eat cookies. I hope my blood goes to a wilting grandparent who just wants to hang on a little longer. Or a mother who desperately needs to get back to work for her mediocre children and her mundane life. Even a child who is relapsing for the 15th time would be a great candidate. As for me, I am just waiting to see what blood type I am.

I have to focus on my classwork because I need to pass this class. If I do not, my day of graduation will be pushed back another billion years from now. So therefore, no matter how hard it gets. I am going to study. EW! Did you hear me correctly? "Study!" Wonderful. I guess I have to learn how to do that.

Today is the second day of my online schooling. So far I have accomplished the printing out of homework and the occasional usage of the discussion boards. I have to start the lectures today. Somehow I feel incomplete because the books that are required for these classes have yet to be bought. But fear not dear citizens! I am heading down to FIU south tomorrow for the CLAST exam. Where throughout the period of taking the math portion, I shall be focused and hopefully prepared. I just need to pass at least 57% in order to get an outstanding on my schooling. Anyhooooooo...after my test is complete. I shall head to the bookstore where the purchasing of books shall commense! Such fun can only be accomplished by the strongest of hearts. Which in this case, I would qualify. Thanks to you, my loyal subjects, I shall rule this day and many to come for I am BATMAN! Lol. Talk to you later.