Write.

Writing: –verb (used with object) 1. to trace or form (characters, letters, words, etc.) on the surface of some material, as with a pen, pencil, or other instrument or means; inscribe: Write your name on the board.
2. to express or communicate in writing; give a written account of.
3. to fill in the blank spaces of (a printed form) with writing: to write a check.
4. to execute or produce by setting down words, figures, etc.: to write two copies of a letter.
5. to compose and produce in words or characters duly set down: to write a letter to a friend.
6. to produce as author or composer: to write a sonnet; to write a symphony.
7. to trace significant characters on, or mark or cover with writing.
8. to cause to be apparent or unmistakable: Honesty is written on his face.
9. Computers. to transfer (information, data, programs, etc.) from storage to secondary storage or an output medium.
10. Stock Exchange. to sell (options).
11. to underwrite.

–verb (used without object) 12. to trace or form characters, words, etc., with a pen, pencil, or other instrument or means, or as a pen or the like does: He writes with a pen.
13. to write as a profession or occupation: She writes for the Daily Inquirer.
14. to express ideas in writing.
15. to write a letter or letters, or communicate by letter: Write if you get work.
16. to compose or work as a writer or author.
17. Computers. to write into a secondary storage device or output medium.

He wrapped his itchy sweater around her shoulders and she immediately pushed it off.
“Oh,” he stared blankly at it on the ground, “I forgot you hated it. It’s just that I wanted to…”
“I know what you wanted,” her voice drifted like the breeze that passed her stomach.
“Oh,” he repeated. He didn’t know how much he’d slipped from reality itself. Everything was just happening suddenly. Now he just moped around trying to build back the confidence he’d lost and trying to build back his wife. The new pastimes he enjoys are looking at his feet while he walks and laying his hands crisscrossed in his lap while he sits. People just tend to pass him by as he breathes.
“You think that I need comfort. You think that by my crying everyday I am making myself more and more miserable. Well, its not grief, its tears of my selfishness. That’s right, I’m being selfish and I don’t care who knows it.” Little did her husband know that she’d already given up hope of trying again. Lady wanted to act snobbish. Her guard had been broken and all the chains unlocked. All she found was her husband falling to pieces, her family trying to lend support to something they didn’t approve of, and an arrogant nurse telling her that they can always try again. No, she didn’t want to try again. All her efforts were exhausted on the first time. She put her hand on the earth and instantly her senses recognized rock and stone distinguished from each other. She rubbed her hand back and forth, back and forth until it bled. She stood up and squeezed her hand tightly just within the reach of pure exhaustion. When she released she sent drops cascading to the ground on which the both of them stood.

He put his jacket back on and grabbed her shoulders. He held himself there in pause forever. His teeth grinding down to the cavities he created making his wife happy; All of them worthless now. He used to laugh on these shoulders. Now he silently waits for a response. She yells. She yells, she yells, she yells. He falls backwards and sits with her now in embrace. He rocks back and forth and back and forth. Numb to her screaming he then asks “Just tell me how…how to fix it.”

She says “We can’t.”

He says “I can.”

She says “NO, no…not this.”

He says “Let me try. I know I can if I just try.”

And she says “It’s over. We’ve tried enough, I’m tired. Please…I’m tired.”

He lets her go and she gets up. He is pulled up by her and they walk inside together quietly. She rests in the comfort of his cold lifeless arms. He stands looking down with her under him. He gathers his strength opening the front door and letting her in. She goes and pours a glass of grape juice. As she holds the bottom of the cup and she asks him “Do you want some?”

He closes the door and puts down the keys. They make a clang as their bodies touch the table and each other. For an instant all the rage bottles up inside his arm and flings itself at the noise. The keys go flying into the vase they got for the wedding last March. He grips the table lamp tightly and slams it in the mirror. Sparks chip away in the dust and electrify air. He kicks the table upwards into the air and releases the husk of lamp from his fingertips. His rage allows for adrenaline to drip from his muscles. The legs of the table snap as they crashes to the floor awkwardly. He beats down on the nail holding the wooden mirror afloat. The nail loses its battle and slips outward onto the floor. The heavy mirror sweats glass until its final resting place silences it. His boots crack the bulb when he crosses the floor and his hands wring the flowers in the half vase naked with no colors but green. He chews them in his mouth and cries. Kneeling in front of the staircase he collapses.

She drinks her juice.





What do you think?

Wednesday July 1st. Captain's log. Subject: Protecting Humanity.

This yellow hatred that has spread across the land is planning on consuming us all. We stand firm watching the distance for the mist which will take over. I already feel the threatening presence of anger. My grip on the situation is nearly strong enough to control what little companions I have left. In this dark hour hope is needed. Nothing else can save us now. Not trust, honesty, and brotherhood. Our lives hang in the balance of what is to come. A grave danger is lurking around each corner of these last few semi-stable facilities. I wish I could go back in time and alter my mistakes. Making myself feel stronger and much more prepared for the horrors ahead...However, as my second in command always states "there is no point in wishing differently of what is to be. What is, is just that." How I wish he was here now. Sadly we lost him to the war he fought within himself. Damn scientists and their experiments. Whoever said we wanted to alter our perfectly normal lives? People die! That's just a part of evolution and life itself. Sacrifice should not be required of some. If there is nothing to fight, sacrifice is not necessary. I need to stop wishing, dreaming, and hoping something will change and do it myself. What other meaning of life is there? Take apart what is holding you back by yourself. Rip it 'til its flesh no longer exists. Just the dust you will leave in your wake shall be left. Only days are left of our lives. Days. I cannot imagine a worser fate. Our humanity will be wiped from us and our primitive nature restored. Dog eat Dog. To those who are listening, I commend you, do not regret living life. Regret not having enough time to destroy all forms of evil. As I have learned though, humanity will never live in peace.

Today is monday and its quite a quiet one at that. I start my accounting class today, even though the first class was last wednesday, and I am so scared of what is coming for me. Tomorrow I am taking the CLAST exam at Biscayne Bay which I am also scared for. So as I have stated on my facebook, I gave blood yesterday. It was a great experience just because it is one that I believed would never happen in my lifetime. Apparently I was wrong. My father was actually the one who wanted to donate blood to the blood bank and I was just going with him to watch. However, I clearly decided to join in on the fun. Yay! I was so nervous that everyone kept looking at me as if I was clear as ice. No color ran through me as I thought of how painful the needle was going to be. Although when it came to being my turn in the wonderfully plush chair I felt an overwhelming burst of relief. Which didn't last long when the needle was pushed in. I'm not going to lie. It hurt. However after that push, it was like a strange numbness came over me. I watched the bag fill with blood, plenty of blood. I thought back to those times when I walked by the screaming individuals asking for blood. How I always gave an excuse. "No, I can't...busy," "No, I am squeamish," "No, not today," then just "No". I even went as far as thinking of saying "I've got Cancer or AIDs". How unfair would that be to people who truly do have those horrible viruses. So i asked my father why he wanted to do this. He just planning said "No reason." There was always a reason for me not too. Yet there is no reason for him to do that? As the lady in church always says "you could be saving 4 babies." Listen, I care for babies because they are cute. However I did it to have the experience. I never really thought of helping to save others. When I got my bandage, a great red color, I thought of it as a bandage of courage. At least on my part. The rest of the day I wore it in pride. When I took it off and refreshed my wound, I paused and thought...that was all it took? Somebody will live because of that? For me to sit in a comfy chair, stare out into the distance and eat cookies. I hope my blood goes to a wilting grandparent who just wants to hang on a little longer. Or a mother who desperately needs to get back to work for her mediocre children and her mundane life. Even a child who is relapsing for the 15th time would be a great candidate. As for me, I am just waiting to see what blood type I am.

I have to focus on my classwork because I need to pass this class. If I do not, my day of graduation will be pushed back another billion years from now. So therefore, no matter how hard it gets. I am going to study. EW! Did you hear me correctly? "Study!" Wonderful. I guess I have to learn how to do that.

Today is the second day of my online schooling. So far I have accomplished the printing out of homework and the occasional usage of the discussion boards. I have to start the lectures today. Somehow I feel incomplete because the books that are required for these classes have yet to be bought. But fear not dear citizens! I am heading down to FIU south tomorrow for the CLAST exam. Where throughout the period of taking the math portion, I shall be focused and hopefully prepared. I just need to pass at least 57% in order to get an outstanding on my schooling. Anyhooooooo...after my test is complete. I shall head to the bookstore where the purchasing of books shall commense! Such fun can only be accomplished by the strongest of hearts. Which in this case, I would qualify. Thanks to you, my loyal subjects, I shall rule this day and many to come for I am BATMAN! Lol. Talk to you later.

Black Slumbers broken by tin foil and cautious tongues.
Where's my key chain? called the lady.
My watch has stopped ticking and the echoes of silver are still etched on my teeth.
I can't recall the candy cane memories I once chewed.
Spit out that gum young lady!
Throw yourself into the wind,
ready to pounce on the tigress!
eat her babies.
Nutrition is a good thing to keep up out here in the mist.
Grab your torches and lets go.

So today was not going so great as usually now-a-days. I have gotten tired and stressed out as the days progress but that is just college and everyday life. My friends and family keep me afloat because without them I would just collapse.

Today however I made sure I didn't spill anything in reguards to my soup and drinks. Lol. Both stayed intact for as long as they were still being comsumed. Allison sent me multiple text messages as the day went on because I informed her ever so slightly that I would be going insane pretty soon. She tried her best to cheer me up by going insane herself. Oh Haha foolish one. You have to love siblings. There is always something about them that just make you think "Wow...I am soooooo glad I am not like that..."

Tiffany kept me company too. She is always one to catch you off guard with random comments and sometimes, although awkward, inspiring words. Oh yeah, Allison is home...and I hear a Mikayla too. Nice. This is going to be funnnnnnn. HEHEHE...

I was talking to Joey yesterday night and he reminded me of live journal and how I have been avoiding it ever since I have turned my back on the internet. HOw often is it that I go on my own computer to check on things anyway? Today I decided to post an update on each one of my fun loving and popularity inspired web pages. This is obviously included to the bunch. I think actually that it is the most important of the entire motley crue...just because, you know, the whole journal aspect and everything...etc. I have come to a point in my life where I have put forth more effort into finding and establishing better friendships. As many people can tell you, I am not one to brag about keeping up with my text messages and answering phone calls. Nor do I even pick up the phone and call someone sometime. Its just not in my daily quota, so it never even crosses my mind. Things have been going quite well recently. I have made good friends, shared in great times with those friends, and I have started to learn how to change personal issues that I have had major problems with before. Life couldn't get any more invigorating.

Then this weekend, just out of the blue, my attitude dissolved quicker than the letter A is typed. I cannot release too much information on my post without compromising myself as well as the others involved...however I can say that I have never felt hurt like this in my entire life. That is much to say coming from me because I literally watched my own grandmother die and that is THE most painful experience imaginable to me. I just feel like I can't hold it in any longer because I have been quiet enough to make people believe that I am stronger than this. My fake smiles and half hearted laughs give nothing away as I sit in the silence of my aching heart.

Today however was different. I tried so hard not to comment or discuss anything having to do with the subject that it drove me insane. I rebelled against my own will and without warning, I let my true feelings show. Putting myself out there in public just annoyed me and all of the sacrifices that I have made just wasted away. Why did I do that? Why did the suffering seep from my newly stitched wounds? Just rub a little alcohol and you'll be alright Britt. But NO! I had to act like a pansy and release the rage that tore me up for so long.

All weekend I have had the urge to punch something...anything...anyone and have done so with the wide open space in front of me. However, it seems as though it wasn't enough to hold me back. Just a simple phrase like "Why aren't you talking?" made me on edge because it indicates how much I am currently becoming outside of my norm. I can't DO this any more. I am tired. Too tired. My muscles ache, my body is now in a constant state of unrest. I have to move or do something to keep my mind afloat. Its like your constantly being attacked by an unknown entity and it drives you insane so you keep pushing forward until your breaking point. Then you sleep.

One of the most important people in my life is my sister. She is always there for me and even though respect is sometimes at a minimum from her, I know that if my life was to somehow end right now, she'd be the first person to wish me the best on my afterlife travels. This weekend she was there for me and in the back of her mind, I think, that there was this overwhelming feeling that made her believe that I was at a state of unease. She tried to talk to me about it but being in such a strong state of depression, she looked towards other means of directing her approach. She contacted several family members in hopes that one of them could get through to me. She forced me to go to the movies with her and close friends of hers in order to get me out of the house and giving me the ability to breathe. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her because without my little sister, my life would suck.

My cousin, which Ally contacted, gave the so much hope that it literally lifted me out of a dark place and made everything right with the world. I love him so much for that. Just to know that somebody has gone through the same situation that I have, really inspires me to not let myself get down. I've saved his texts and whenever I feel low, I shall read them over and over for my own good. Just because I know I WILL fall again.

My two closest friends in the world have always been there for me through everything. You know who you are and let me tell you that I don't think I have ever appreciated you guys enough. We all have our faults but when one of us is feeling down or in need of a buddy we know who to call and talk it out with.

So I guess this is the end of the drama. I really do want to be over it but you know...life...has its strange way of bringing drama back. WOW SHANESE>

Wow.

Write More Later.

At this moment everyone has entered the room in which we are to sleep. Its quite a packed room and I am not in the mood for sleeping next to a stinky, non-showered preson, so I put up a fight. What happened? I got messed with so now I am sitting in a corner, typing on the computer and waiting for everyone to just forget that I am here. Yes, wait it looks like it might be working. I hope that my camoflouge fits in to the decor of the off-white room. Hehehe. Decor. Its like a third of a word. I wonder what is going on in the heads of the people in the room other than me. Leah is probably thinking that she is squished. Chrisitie is wanting desperatly to sleep. Allison is not thinking at all. My mother is to confused in her mind to process anything else. Brandon is off to LALA LAND. Zack is working up gas to expel on his brother. My father is wondering why I am typing so loudly. Uncle John is hoping that I am not mad and I am not. Mikayla is wanting to stay up and chat with her cousins. Aunty Jan is dead tired and Penelope the stuffed dog is finally seeing that she is not alone.

Out of all of the people that have been in this room, Penelope is the happiest and pinkest of them all. Remind me to send you guys a picture of her and her hugeness. I hope you guys are sleeping well and you are not stressed and wiggly with emotions.


Night Night.

BRIZZLE

I've got blue skies on a cloudy day. When its cold outside, I've got the month of May. Except that May finished itself around 7 days ago. Its dark outside and my family is now all spralled out on the couhes of my uncle's house. They are relaxing as the day comes to an end. I...What am I doing? I am sitting in bed typing on the computer, updating my journal for the hell of it. I am tired, long day!! I drove for about 2 hours or a little more and I could have done more but the "adults" decided that was enough. Its okay though because I had fun controlling the music and listening to the rev of an engine and the giggles of children in the smooshed back seat. Many things have aloud me to come this far with happiness but there are underlying instances that cloud my judgement.

For example throughout the car drive, I had to constantly pop my ears from a lack of hearing properly and also, a lack of feeling stupendious. No one really knows that I am kind of sad. Here I am trying to enjoy myself when my mother is worried about her father, who is currently in the hospital in Canada, who might have had a stroke or so the doctors say. Her brother flew up to Canada today to check on him. Maybe that will give her some hope of feeling better. Also, I have been coughing nonstop since last night. I don't know what it is and I seem to loose track of my medicine.

This is the first time I am not avoiding the party either. I am full on trying to withstand all of the excitement but I am just worn out. My eye is swollen from so weird, I have no clue, and no one really cares about it. Life is just wonderful and I mean it. I am not sad or anything too much. Just exhasted. I complain here because it would be mean to ruin everyone's fun and complain out loud. Oh Well. I am going to put pics up on MYSPACE tomorrow. I've got to rest these sleepy eyes.

PEACE OUT

Brizzle

This is for my homies who are currently at home chillin'. I just reached South Carolina and its early in the morning. I thought once we got to the room that everyone would be sleepy and I would be the only one awake waiting for my mother. Leah comments "I thought we were in Georgia." Shows how much she knows about where we've been and the US of A. Currently I am sipping a tiny Pepsi and wondering how my cousin Christie and I are going to fit on such a tiny bed. Its fold out, gansta style, and I am so excited to rock the boat. I am going to add pictures to this post just to show you guys the accomadations and the rocking party crew. There are 6 people in my room and 5 people in the other room on a totally different floor. I don't have pics of that but its just the same thing. Ya know. Ya Digg? Good. On the way here, my road trip has not gone boring once yet. I have had many laughs from Sirus Radio "Laugh Channel" and from my ignorant cousins. Unknowning of where they are, its just hilarious seeing them take sides in a seating argument and playing car phone tag back and forth thru text and short calls. Not to mention that o so special moment when my bladder felt like it was going to pop from juice overload. and from Christie Britt is coughing like a horse! Wow. Nice, little cuz. Anywhoooooooo....I'll write more when I feel like it.


I feel like it now.
No.
Yes. Okay. So on to buisness. People from inside the grapevine keep telling me that I might be driving a part of the way tomorrow in a ve-hic-le. Sounds awesomely amazing. I shall tell you of my exploits as well as my imports....lol. Note to self: Take a chill pill.

I am being yelled at to "Turn Off That Light!" So I might as well take my leave. PEACE OUTSIDE. CHECK MYSPACE OR FACEBOOK FOR PICS. THANKS

Brizzle.

I am sitting in library just realizing how bad this computer's spacebar is. Currently shifting between holding Tiff's phone and switching the placement of the keyboard. I wonder if everyone else gets this frustrated. I haven't written on lj in a long time and this automatically brings back memories of how crazy this posting business used to be for me. The time on the computer says 13:01pm so you know its really 1:01. Weird huh? Exactly 1 zero 1. I was just telling tiff today that I felt weird about this Christmas. For some reason, that I haven't quite come up with yet, I am in a "Who cares" mood. Around this time of year, I am mostly cheery with a happy thought of "what am I getting?" I seemed to have realized however that my parents are too good for me and always get me what's on the list. So I am not really sure that I should be excited. I already know that they are going to follow the list so, what is the point?

To think that no time has just passed since I started to write about my days and tiff went in to take her test. To think that I wasn't about to sit here and type at the computer. What would I have done for three hours? Nothing I suppose. Noting that I had forgotten my phone by accident this morning.

Well, I returned by books to FIU's Bookstore through byback today. I was quite surprised to see that I acquired a large sum of money, since recently, the bookstore has been shorting everyone out. However, as it figures, the biggest book sold for the cheapest price of 7 dollars. How predictable. I guess I am just glad to get them off of my back and out of my hands for this year. I didn't return my Biology books though because I was told that they are going to be used for next semester's Biology 2 class and lab. YAY.

Speaking of classes, I have to think of one last one to take for next semester. It can be anything seeing as how the classes I prefered to have are at awkward times, the same times as the classes I am registered for, or not available. As usual my luck couldn't be any worse off. I am thinking of taking that Anthropology class online that Tifferz was suggesting. It sounds interesting and I love learning about past civilizations. Maybe its the ticket. The only thing I worry about is the workload. I have trig and stats 2 already plus bio 2 and the lab? I'm not sure if I can handle the extra online every week mumbo jumbo. It's a tuff decision. There is this other odd class that I forgot the name to but its about the mind and how we have different types of conciousnesses, etc. I was thinking about that too since its on campus around 10ish when I have a break from class. Any ideas guys?

9 mins left on the computer. I'll be back when I can start it up again. Peace!

I got to thinking that dreams, life, and everything is connected. This is just rambling so nothing is quite sensical except for the fact that many people have been saying good things to me recently.

They say I'm a saint but how can that be true? I haven't done any community services like the rest of my family members have done with their summers and vacations. They say that I am a person worthy of being proud of. For what? I haven't done anything worth blindsiding. Shoot me an arrow and I'll give back a bow. Yesterday my mother said "I am so proud of you. You help with your grandmother and not many would do that." Not many? Well I don't see why not. It doesn't take much to care for someone that you love and cherish. It doesn't need or isn't supposed to need any sort of praise. It should be a natural belief in taking care of those who took care of you since you were young. I love spending time with my grandma and cherish every extra minute that comes by. Having people who look down upon such situations and calls it a boring, waste of time, should be frowned upon if not already treated with hatred. Thus comes why so many people are rude, inconsiderate, and hate filled. Life is just to complicated to be mixing in the idea of family conflict. When a conflict comes around ignore it! At least try too at first.

I'm not paying attention anymore. I have to go.

I'm joking called the operator on the second floor balcony. Please listen to the story I have to tell, if you don't your radiator will flood tomorrow.


I awoke to a peaceful day. My head was alittle dizzy from last night's late adventure of the discovery channel. It was jampacked of information that I just had to love. My mother left early this morning and in a rush. I didn't figure it was for something important, she had told me right before she left that "allison got out of school early" so I was fine with it. I got dressed and had my breakfast, when I decided to watch taped unseen shows and delete some for more space. Me and my instant love of Dirty Jobs just took up the whole day.

Around mid day I got a call and was invited to lunch at Wasabi with my family. I decided to go and didn't even wait for the meeting time when my phone clicked in that it needed to answer the other line. When I answered, it was the same people calling to tell me the same information. So I hung up and put on my shoes. As I was sitting there, my mother walked in straight to the office, turned on the lights, and the computer, and asked me to come inside. Her voice sounded squeaky so I knew it wasn't anything angering.

She said "This morning I got a call to come clean up your grandmother again. However I didn't want you to get sick so I went instead. Your still recovering and I just feel like crap." I was touched but concerned because I felt as though my duty was to my ailing grandmother. So when we left and headed for Wasabi I tried to go with full spirits.

It was a cold day today, as far as I was concerned my chills were chilling. I couldn't find a coat and I wasn't prepared enough to wear my Mexican jacket, therefore I decided to go without one. At the time the car said 59 degrees. When Uncle J told me that the cars temperature gauge was wrong I was very much distressed. I told him that I don't think cars would lie about something like that. If it was lying then it needed to be taken in.

After Wasabi we when to rag shop. Where inside everyone including me ran into something, embarrising ourselves, especially mom. That's another story for another time. We got various items for the party on Sunday for my grandmother's 89th and left accordingly but not before each of my mother and Aunty J signed an online coupons info.

Once at Aunty J's house, Mikayla was home and ready to do homework. She slided right into my lap and we read her green key words (note: On actual cut out green keys) and went over her homework for the past week. Since tomorrow she is going to have a test on the green words, she spelled, wrote, and sounded them out three times. It was both fun and boring because at one point I was trying to teach her what a sentance is, but she just isn't getting it (or messing with me, cuz I think she is!).

Next, I read one of Allison's infamous stories about random characters that always seem to be rich, cuss filled, and in dramatic romance situations. I love them because it always introduces me to a new kind of writing style. WE love to joke and have fun with the stories as well. So after I read them it was time to go home. But not before allison and I ran back into the house and said our "see ya tomorrow" s to grandma.

Once home I went to the TV and finished watching Dirty Jobs and started watching Discovery Health channel. It was medical for a while, however some dumb garden show came on and totally messed up my time. Therefore I decided to wait for dad to come home so that I could eat, and it took 2 hours. For some reason when he came a heated up the food, I wasn't so hungry but because my mother freaked out about the dirty house (which is now clean and not dirty, like it wasn't before). I had spaghetti and mince meat with sauce and strawberry juice.

When I was cleaning house, my eye started to bother me badly. You see the day before I had apparently developed an eye Stye. My mother says its because dirty hands rub into eyes and gevelop zit like tiny sacks under eyelids. They are bothersome and tiny but hurt the entire eye. So I went to check on this stye, however I did myself the liberty of washing my hands first. When I went to check it, the stye had grown with puss and had a slight pop causing the liquid to spread over my eyeball and burn it. Therefore I called my father and he got a papertowel and gently squeezed it all out. luckily nothing really dangerous had happened and everything was okay afterwards. I even think my eye isn't hurting me anymore. Maybe off and on but mostly no.

So overall it was a nice and kind of bleak day but I got through it and enjoyed my time with everyone around me.

Today started out as any other great day. I haven't had one in a while, and my weekend wasn't that wonderful. I got a flu shot on saturday morning. Yay For the Flu! Thanks for making it possible to get a needle injected into you at 9 on a sat. Then On sunday I went shopping. I got Joey and Tiffany's gifts for Christmas. They are aewsome. At least I think so. Next, Allison decides that we should all go to a movie. I think what the heck? why not?! Movie, cousins, etc. Fun. Wrong. I was so wrong. I picked Stranger than Fiction. At least thats what I wanted to see. By the time slow moving individuals came in and the group was set to head out. It was 7:20 and the movie had started. We got the dates mixed up, from 7:20 and 9:55 to 7:55. It was specatular. My Oldest cousin was yelling that we were stupid to mix up the times and she thought the movie was a bad choice anyway. Her exact words were, "Why don't we see a movie that makes you think? Not some dumb stupid Will Farrel movie." I was pissed. I had it with these people and all I wanted to do was go by myself, leaving everyone in anger. It wasn't my fault that we got the times mixed up and I heard the movie was funny. Thats all. I wanted comedy. Is anything wrong with that? First of all you have to understand my cousin. She swears that we are all African. Hell's no I ain't! I'm American and If I want to see a dumb-ass film. I will. Then My mom says we should rent a movie. By the time that we get to the store and pick two movies that I chose. I didn't tell them to pick it, but I really could care less. I felt like crying, but since we were in a store and then later at home with everyone else, I decided to shrug it off. Now I get home early because my class let out after we turn in our papers. I get home and no ones there. Mom comes home and when I see the gift she got for Mikayla I ask "Didn't Rob say she had a play laptop already?" My mom goes freaking hysterical. "NO. I'm always wrong! I'll turn it back!" I get all whatever and say "Fine whatever. Geez." I close and LOCK my door. She comes up "When you start paying rent and get your own job, then you can close your door." I was about to yell FUCK YOU when I stopped and tried to calm down.

Earlier this week, my cousin (the same fucking one), Aunty Jan, and mother decide that they should start working out. Tammy my cousin, finds a boxing place that gives lessons, etc. They want me to join them, so they went for an introduction course. I had already said that I was going shopping with my family that day so I said I couldn't make it. I could tell from my mother's face that she was pissed at me. I didn't care I was Christmas shopping. Spending "Quality Time". When we get to Aunty Jan's afterwards, They show me their gear and Aunty Jan says that if I want to join (meaning join or die) she'll pay for me. I said "Well I want to hear more about the class and such," everyone goes insane and gets all pissed off at me. Apparently I shouldn't ask about the class and just drop everything to FUCKING do it. Well, Today I am pre-recording all of my shows. Mom says "Call your Aunty and tell her your going with her." I am sitting here with the same FUCK YOU attitude from Tammy on saturday or sunday, thinking Hell's no I don't want to go. I want to be extra over weight for the rest of my life. I call her, say I am going, and leave it there.

Now I am thinking that I should call her and say no. I already know that I am not going to stick with it and neither are they. You know how much money this Boxing FUCKING gym costs? $477 a year. My mother says "if anyone is willing to pay that much a year for you. You do it" Kiss my ass. I don't care if anyone pulls monkey shit out of their brain right now. I just want to get my life happy agian without worrying about punching a bag for $60 bucks a day. I can already do that with Allison or the Wall.

Poetry

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Context clues, its in the bottom of the bag.
Hand me downs. Hand me downs. Hand me down to your sister in the parking lot.
ITs time to let go of me. Holding MY hand contridict yourself.
Twitching eyelid and a recording of shows.
Playing Pokemon tis dawn, feeding my stomach and robbing myself of a howl.
A wolf's howl-no one else's. I heard it when you told me about the vegetables across the way.
You wearing the yellow sundress! Its hot out! Stop reaching out into traffic.
Damn brown haired girl with a gypsy smile. Stop cocaining out and get a grip.
Give me the Right Ice cream next time.
Chocolate with yes....rainbow sprinkles.
I'd be damned to save a life.
You know it as well as I do. I don't want to die.

Today is the last time I try and kill myself with food. At least that is what is supposed to happen. I was supposed to get my last set of happy times tonight but no. God decided to be the good guy and let me live. "its not time to go" he said coming briskly into the room. I understand that but why can't i just get the food i deserve. "YOu sound like a fat man ranting." "Thats because I am." In about three weeks or so, Allison is going to have a birthday and a party. I can't write much about it because I'm not one to talk of things to come. Is it foolish of me to want something? I guess if ignorance is one way and having obsessive complusive disorder is another. Pretty sure I'm not both. I see now, why my mother is always ssying to me....This is why you don't have friends. When I have been calling people spoiled and rotten I have really been talking about myself. I FREAKING am spoiled. What a way to live in denial. Its hard not to be when you live with parents who give you everything. I've sat on my fat ass for two days now, not doing a thing. Trying to do my resume but wishing I didn't have online classes...or any for that period. Do you know how hard it is to sit down in a room and think that half the people are grossed out by you or think your something that you have nothing to do with? When I meet people for the first time, I am always thought of as a hispanic. Thats weird since I have nothing to do with a hispanic culture. I find it funny because after I tell these individuals that I am certainly Jamaican, I am treated so much differently. Whether I am fun to be around or just plain not on the menu of "worth talking to". Then it really doesn't help that I am fat. Fatness can only be described as a disease I think. When your fat, you are either ashamed of yourself for being that way or you just live with it and ignore it. My doctor used to say to me "Your just overly healthy," and my mother would be in hysterics over it. Now I am told that "You need to start losing it or you lose yourself." What does that mean? Somehow I think they've got it wrong. My funny self is based on my fatness. I lose my fat and I lose myself. I made a pact with my mom over what I wanted to do. i told her that i am willing to do something about my weight just as long as I can not be pressured. She basically said "after tomorrow. Your ass is mine." I'm looking forward to it, really. My head hurts and I think I'm tired.
Talk to you later.

Britt

This is my recent project for sociology. We had to free write on culture and do it in a page worth writing. damn people and their want to chain up my freaking mind. What's with the short comings on the brain? Am I not allowed to unload the misery of my tainted heart upon the world? Darn hippies and their claustrophobia. So getting back to this. I hope you like it and please do NOT damage my heart and soul remix. Note the HEART and SOUL Remix, not just some faint depression stage that turns into an artist's rendition of "What death has in store for me today."

This is the thanks I get for giving life a page to sum it up on. He wrote a lot....of crap.

Culture is what we are and where we base ourselves from. It makes fashion more popular than economics and war more hated than our own poverty. Culture can start off as your friend, always being there and making sure you get in with the crowd. Then it can dump you right when you hit the hypertensive category. Of course it’s because being socially accepted is the main goal of culture right?
Culture keeps the norms of life normal. It’s like a set of rules that people have the need to follow because life can’t be trusted to stable all by itself. When a child starts reacting differently to the throw of everyday life mishaps, he or she is considered “mentally unstable,” or “weird.” In the sentence before I use the term “weird” because if you say that to a child, it’s not as damaging as the terms “nerd, geek, freak,” or my personal favorite “loser.” It is like culture is set up so that the slightest mistake could upset natural balance between cosmos.
Personally I like the fact that I can be so restricted. If I couldn’t, then life’s not worth living. People would be able to do what they wanted to without giving it a second thought. I could get up right now and finish my paper here. Thank the world for giving me a chance to want to go beyond boundaries and sacrifice my self dignity at the same time. It gives me such a rush to want to wear my hated, neon orange, blue, red, badly sewn, itchy jacket outside my house’s walls.
Without culture life wouldn’t be as it is today. The human race couldn’t be so diversified and beautiful. I could not be any prouder of original talents and the censors that block it out. Go ahead and speak your truths world! Just as long as you remember that if you can win, then you join them. It is only natural, since your mother hates you so much for being fat and labeled obese. Call the trainers and get working on it right away.

Isn't it spectacular? I think life did a good job on this piece so I am giving it a 10 but not out of 10 and not because you said so. I know I know it isn't the best thing in the world and damn it if I didn't know that culture is great. I even wrote that in the paper! Geez people get off my back. I had a hard time down at the district's attorney's office today. They wanted my payment and I told them it was in China in an investment bank in Bangkok of all the places on earth. I had to have it wired but my lawyer was being a jackass. Doesn't matter. Stop asking me these questions and get on.

Puppies are an essential ingredient to every tortured child's good side. Whether the dog tasted broccoli or not doesn't matter as much as his appetite for learning. Geezus the Dog tried to bite the next door neighbor's leg off today in frustration of us not feeding him. SEE?! He's learning.

A screw fell out of my glasses today but its not like it changed my seeing ability or anything. My mom is like "we should get it fixed." I think we should too. I don't feel the need to argue right now. SO whatever. UNIDEN. its a company name damn you.

No Tiffany parts of this journal were not about you and your depression, writing ability, or such IN-FREAKING-CULDING this part. Its all about me. Yes. ME. M.....E. (you had to spell out that last part). Holding down the M on the verbal chord while thinking about saying the next letter, which is E, pretty soon.

This entry is backdated. I told myself to reread my entries recently. I had never done it before. I am really quite the oddball type. Why didn't anyone tell me this? Or was it that I was told but never really TOLD. You know like the kind of "told" where you sit down in a empty room and fart but really blame it on the guy who has no chance of being cool. That kind of "told" seems to run in the family of "I did" and "tell you this" including "already." Read Between the lines on that one.

Please if you don't understand anything that I write, Anyway hold it against me. Literally print this shit out and slap it against my body. Preferably my heart area so that I feel really damaged.

Userpic 2 point Oh
Auto-Format Biach. Cliche.

Britt comma space dash 24 next to the semicolon of the zero. In numbers and such it looks like this....

Britt, -42;0

Ps. I don't know what it means....you figure it out.

When my mother told me that I was in "one of those moods again" I wondered why she said that. Maybe it was because I was being very quite at the party of my litle cousin. I didn't do anything after being told to get out of her room. I just sat there feeling big and in the way. It wasn't because I was yelled at or anything, nobody really was being mean or such, I just wasn't in the mood to do much. I was actually thinking of the future. I am applying for a job and hoping for the best. I have fallen to the second rung with my sister.

"I'm really proud of her. She's gotten out and had a good time too. I wish THIS one would do the same."

"You need a hobby. Get out of the house and do something. I konw the feeling you have. You feel save and happy at home. Sometimes I think you and me are the only ones really deeply depressed."

I'm not depressed. I am just not happy at the moment. I was thinking that I am going to get away. After these two sememsters at FIU I am going away for the summer. I am doing classes during the summer don't get me wrong, just not in the beginning. When you see me again it will be like looking at a new person. I'm not going to tell you the reason or what for I'm just going to say that I'm not going to be here.

Gargonzola is a good cheese yet it is so underappreciated. So is fat.

Note to self. Get an umbrella for all of my thoughts. When they burst out of my head i can't see to shake them off. I need to do one thing at a time. For instance right now I am writing a journal but wanting to do my english paper and hoping that my other work is done Or at least wishing it that way. My legs hurts. Its like I was siting wrong on it but I just had it crossed. Sometimes when your toes freeze it hurts to get them out of the position. I lied it hurts all the time. I do that to myself when I am bored and if allison comes into my room as I am doing it I look at her and make her wonder why its happening to me. I saw IdleWild the other night with my cousins and their friends. It was crazy good. There were parts of it that were done so awesomely. I love the music. Jason needs to make me a copy. I got the first season of the Venture Brothers randomly. I love it so much. Thats what I do now. I wait to see each episode. I don't want to spoil it though. If you haven't already figured it out, I am writing whatever comes to mind. Sometimes I think I am a genius because my cousin complimented me on my writing in his card. He said "I love it when you write. Its like you are the best in the world. So random and so amazingly funny." I had the nerve to say "So you liked it?" and then I read it again. I totally forgot what I wrote but it was good when I reread it. Wow I am stuck up. Please noone say I am not. There are only two people reading my journal anyway. I think I should get others on board. I think I will. At least give them my thoughts journal to see. The link I mean.

Jimmys. Thats right Jimmys on ice cream. I am avoiding the word sprinkles because it reminds me of a dog or a lawn hose shooting tiny bubbles into the air. Thats it I am tired of writing on this page.

Write to ya later.

Britt

Allison says "I didn't expect that to happen."

One day while talking to my sister about school, I decided to take a look outside. The terror outside is whipping the leaves around. Not much to do now but sit and wait for my father to come over and lift me from my stripped chair. What am I to do for another 2 hours? Allison has soccer today and Mikayla has to bath her so called "dutie" Skin (that means dirty in broken english). Uncle John is tired from doing yard work all day long, as well as I am going to school and being bothered with the task of going to class. Outside this door rain is falling and it sounds like someone is peeing on the balcony. I think its making me want to go to the bathroom. Constipation doesn't exactly help that situation. Glad I don't have it.


A record of this document is under your door so don't forget to call me. When you get this it will be to late for me to reply, so as usual I go about my day replying to later "comments". How's it going? A passerby asked me...I guess I have to be formal and reply "just fine," but as I relax under the shady tree, concepts of telling the truth come to mind. Dora walked into the room and asked me where I wanted to go with my life. I said "Two separate places before I reach my destination." She said "I really can't help you then," and left with her star pocket and strangely colored monkey.

So the passerby didn't get an answer to my question...at least not a honest one. I said that it was more like a "Happy day" for me...sounding like I had cancer or something. Now I feel bad. I shouldn't say I have cancer because its a terrible disease. Tiffany looked like she was a mute today because she was typing on the computer instead of talking to me. People around us read the conversation instead of trying to sneak a listen. Then again they were reading it so...its pretty much the same thing. I'll get back at them someday. Maybe in a text message. Later.

Britt and mikayla